It’s a good idea to find out who your co-founder is before going into business with them.
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Anyone who’s rushed into a relationship knows that once the honeymoon period ends you are left with the real version of each other. Hence why long-lasting couples often say “I married my best friend,” because relationships that endure work on that foundation of friendship.
Co-founder relationships are no different. It’s a great idea to get to know the person you’re about to start a company with before you go into business together. After all, once money and livelihood are involved, things only get messier.
Which is why I suggest, if circumstances allow, to “date” your potential co-founder. This means putting them through the same tests you would a romantic partner. You don’t have to go through every stage, and you certainly shouldn’t sleep together if you’re not already romantically involved, but knowing who they are outside of the office isn’t a bad idea. In fact, it’s a good one.
And it’s not just about them, it’s about you too. They may not like you. So how do you date your co-founder? Well, what do you do when you go on normal dates?
Learn About Each Other’s Personal Values
What’s important to you in life? What’s important to them?
If you value fun in the workplace and your partner values tradition and hierarchy and feels that fun happens outside of work, that’s a value clash. Value clashes aren’t necessarily bad. They can often complement each other, but they can also become a needle to someone’s balloon, slowly dripping the air out until … POP!
Our values are reflected in what we want in a workplace, in a relationship, and/or what we prefer in other people. For example, if I value altruism, I may prefer to surround myself with others who value that too.
Make sure you understand each other’s core values (what drives you/your partner, what gets you/your partner out of bed in the morning, what you/your partner like or don’t like about what other people value, etc). Openly discuss if these values are complementary or a potential relationship derailer.
If it’s a derailer, it doesn’t mean it’s a deal breaker. It is only something of which you should be keenly aware.
Learn About Each Other’s Vision For The Company
What are your respective leadership philosophies on how to treat employees, what you expect out of people, and the qualities you value in others?
Just like you would talk about (or should talk about) your philosophy of marriage and family with your romantic partner, so should you talk about the vision for your work family with your co-founder; it is critical to a successful partnership. What is unsaid can never be worked through. What is spoken can be addressed.
Learn About Each Other’s Communication Styles
Is one of you passive and the other aggressive? Is one of you conflict-avoidant and the other conflict-friendly? Does one of you joke a lot and the other is serious? Perhaps you need time to reflect on how you feel about a situation while your co-founder is someone who thinks quickly and makes snap decisions.
All of these communication styles are going to matter as you get into the daily grind of running a business together. Furthermore, if you do have a “what’s your communication style?” conversation at the onset and one or both of you doesn’t know how you operate in the world, that lack of self-awareness is also a red flag. You need to know your own communication style and they need to know theirs, and everyone needs to be upfront and honest about it.
What Are Your Quirks And Eccentricities?
Loud talking, interrupting, eating with their mouth open, believing in astrology, and whatever else you might have broken up with someone over – once the honeymoon ends, these traits are going to irritate you.
Go out to dinner with them, get a drink together, see how they are in the world. Is your co-founder rude to wait staff? Do they give money to homeless people? Are they impatient in traffic? Do they have one too many drinks every time you’re out with them? Take notice of everything the same way you would if you were going on a real date. It’s all relevant.
Find Out What – And Who – Pushes Their Buttons
If you’re environmentally conscious and your partner is a polluter that’s probably not going to work. Similarly, if they believe the earth is flat and you believe it’s round, you might run into some issues. In an ideal world, a co-founder relationship would be relegated to issues concerning the business at hand, but as human beings, we carry whoever we are outside of the office into the office.
Get to know them. Ask questions. This isn’t the time to think, “I don’t want to pry.” On the contrary, pry! Pry away. What do they hate about the world? What drives them nuts? What if you find out that something they can’t stand is something you believe in? Better to know at the onset.
Meet Their Friends And Have Them Meet Yours
When it comes to romantic relationships, you always want to meet your partner’s friends to see who they surround themselves with in the world. Same goes for a co-founder relationship.
If you can find some time to bring your respective friends together, it will serve the relationship. Get your friends’ opinion. See if they notice any red flags. And if your co-founder doesn’t have any friends, well, that might be a good conversation to have.
Lastly, Acknowledge Your Gut Feeling
Your own intuition plays a vital role when it comes to compatibility. Don’t ignore that nagging feeling that something just isn’t sitting right with you. Talk it out with a friend and see if you can get to the root of what is bothering you. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the annoyance, however small it might seem. A small bug could be a microcosm of a larger bug that hasn’t surfaced yet.
On the flip side, gut feelings don’t have to be negative. If this person is someone who on paper you would normally despise yet you can’t help but admit that you really like them,, then listen to that as well!
What you’re trying to avoid is an acrimonious partnership that can’t be salvaged. While you can always go to co-founder couples therapy – and I do believe in co-founder couples therapy – it would be better if you can avoid it altogether.
Communication is always the key. Never shy away from conveying your feelings and concerns. Speak your mind when it comes to your business, your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, your good, your bad and your ugly, or you’ll find yourself harboring resentments that will fester inside of you. This will affect your personal health as well as the health of your company. This stress will also bleed into your home life.
Bottom line: find out who your co-founder is! Get to know them. Let them into your life. See if they let you into theirs. This might be your longest relationship in life so you want to make sure it’s a compatible one.
And PS … there is no shame in seeking co-founder coaching to help navigate this process. In doing this work, I have found that this is the difference between great co-founder relationships and mediocre to poor ones. There is nothing more powerful than co-founder reflection, honesty, and self and partner discovery.
