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A Key Communication Tool At Work


By Jen Jamula

At some point, all professionals resort to the classic “eye-roll mindset” regarding their colleagues: “Colette’s doing that thing again” or “Lucas just doesn’t get it.” It’s not surprising that coworkers fall prey to closeness-communication bias. After all, they often interact with one another more than their own families, so it’s inevitable that assumptions will arise.

Unfortunately, this dynamic signals a foundational misstep of all communication breakdowns: Not listening. The rapid-pace multi-tasking of most people’s work days doesn’t afford much energy (and yes, it requires energy) for sitting still and thoughtfully receiving others’ messages, in real time. How does one begin to listen differently

Arlo Hill and Calla Videt have been exploring what it means to hear others in new ways in contexts that range from hiring interviews to blind dates. Together, they created SecondBody, a tool that facilitates one-on-one encounters between people – both in-person and online – and allows them to have conversations verbatim through actors (or “second bodies”). For many participants, this human filter gives way to deeper insights about their partner, and highlights a need for intentionality in communication.

Read on to hear CEO Hill’s thoughts on how to listen to colleagues differently.

Jen Jamula: In your work, which listening pitfalls have come to light?

Arlo Hill: Our work has roots in actor training. A major pitfall for actors is the sense that you don’t really need to listen to your scene partner, because you’ve memorized what you’re going to say next. So the trap is to simply “perform” listening.

We all know what this feels like in real life: a colleague nods to show they’re listening, waits until you’re done talking… and then says the same thing they had prepared to say before you opened your mouth.

Jamula: What are some indicators of “performing” listening?

Hill: If you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next, you’re not listening. If you’re waiting for your turn to speak, you’re not listening. If you’re thinking “how do I show that I’m listening?”, you’re not listening.

Real listening is exceedingly rare, because most of the time we are thinking about how we ourselves are being seen and heard. And that takes our attention away from the other person. That’s why we developed SecondBody: you’re each looking at a person who has no personal involvement, so they are truly listening to you. That completely changes things.

Jamula: What are a few benefits of better listening?

Hill: My body knows when I have someone’s undivided attention. My muscles relax, I breathe, I take my time, and I begin to feel safe sharing honest thoughts and feelings. Listening breeds vulnerability. And shared vulnerability breeds trust.

Perhaps most importantly, if I feel I’m being heard, my own incessant mental chatter quiets down a bit—and I find that I, too, start listening better to others. So it’s a virtuous cycle that builds better conversations, better relationships, and better teams.

Jamula: Drawing from the lessons of SecondBody, what does real listening look like? 

Hill: To quote my acting teacher Richard Feldman, “real listening means the possibility of being changed.” You have to be genuinely open to the possibility that, at any given moment, the very next thing that someone says could change your whole life—and occasionally, it will.

In other words: real listening means not thinking about what real listening looks like. It’s when the other person becomes the most important thing in the world, and your own self-image and ideas and worries can take the backseat. Real listening feels freeing.

Of course, in today’s polarized culture, we’re not used to setting our agendas aside and letting other perspectives in. But how else can we begin to see things from other people’s viewpoints, engage empathically, and be open to changing our own opinions?

Jamula: How can professionals begin listening to their colleagues differently and deeply today?

Hill: The first step is to recognize that you’re probably not a very good listener. Almost no one is; I have to admit that I sometimes get so excited about my own ideas that I fail to listen to other, better ideas. But fortunately, we have many occasions for practice:

The next time a colleague is talking, notice your growing desire to formulate what you’re going to say next. Notice how urgent this impulse feels, how your attention is hijacked by it. Then experiment with temporarily setting aside this mental task. Breathe. Let go of what feels urgent, and choose instead to return your attention to the person in front of you. It’s harder than it sounds. Do that just once or twice, and you’ll be surprised how the conversation can take a new direction.

To hone your listening skills, head to secondbody.co.



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