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How Can I Get My Child To Go On Visits With The Other Parent?


What advice can I give my client?

In an ongoing custody case, my client, the children’s mother, asked me what she can do to encourage her sons, ages 11 and 13, to go on visits with their father. I told her I would research the topic and see what advice I could find to impart to her.

I researched the issue and learned:

Much of the online articles offering legal advice is focused on protecting the parent “withholding” the children from court action or contempt hearings by the other parent.

Why would a parent be subject to a contempt hearing filing by the other parent?

An Order of Custody and Visitation is a court order which must be followed unless modified by the court. Most custody and visitation orders spell out specific days and times, holidays and vacation periods for each parent to exercise visitation with the children. When a child refuses to go on a visit, it can be a “contempt of court” by the parent who is deemed to be “withholding” the children. The court looks at who is in charge in the household: the parent or the child?

The age of the children matters here. A court is less likely to think a four-year-old refused to go on a visit than a fourteen-year-old. A court is also likely to consider refusal to visit the result of age appropriate separation anxiety with a very young child. The parent is deemed to be in control and can make the visit happen with a younger child. Parents are deemed to have less control over teenage children and often physically incapable of forcing them to visit by carrying them to a car or the other parent’s waiting arms.   

Often times when a child refuses to visit with the other parent, the parent being denied visitation claims that it is the custodial parent’s coaching of the child to refuse to visit, not the child’s wish. This can form the basis in addition to contempt of court, a claim of parental alienation. Parental alienation can be a form of child abuse. A finding by a court of parental alienation by one parent can be a basis for a change in custody.

What can be done to avoid being held in contempt of court?

Most practitioners advise keeping records that include the dates of the refusals, the circumstances surrounding the refusal to visit and what you did to try and get the child to go on the visit.

Most lawyers do not advise telling children that if they don’t go on the visit, “mommy or daddy can go to jail” or worse telling them that the other parent “will try to have them jailed.”

Oftentimes, an honest look at what is occurring surrounding the time of transfer for visits can make all the difference such as the having the non-visiting parent deliver the child to the other parent. Preparing the child for the visit and talking about fun things they will do during the visit can help. The non-visiting parent needs to be sure that the child is not engaged in a play date or video game before they are to leave for the visit such that the reason for the child refusing to go is not wanting to leave what they are doing.

What can the custodial parent do regarding the child’s refusal?

Even very young children may have good reasons for not wanting to go on a visit specifically if they are being mistreated in some way that may not be apparent to the custodial parent if they are too young to articulate their experiences or feelings.

Hiring a child psychologist to examine the child to try to get to the root of the refusal is a first step. A good place for a referral is the child’s pediatrician. As a custodial parent, you may not be able to retain a psychologist without the other parent’s consent or permission depending on how your custody order or agreement is structured.  A psychologist can access the child’s fears regarding the visits and learn about the root cause. If there is abuse, a psychologist can be mandated reporters to child protective services.

Try talking to the child about why they don’t want to visit.

Try to find out why the child doesn’t want to visit. Assure them that both parents love them and want to spend time with them. Explain it is important for their future selves that they have a relationship with both their parents even if they don’t feel like it now. Highlight positive differences between you- such as “daddy is a good cook and you can bake cookies with him” or “mommy is better at video games than I am.”

Often reasons a child doesn’t want to visit may have to do with differing disciplinary rules in each household lending support to coordinating bedtimes, homework schedules, mealtimes, video and TV time between households. Another reason is dislike for a new significant other or stepparent and their setting rules for the child.

Speak directly with the other parent.

Try speaking with the other parent about changing the visits to shorter durations of time or suggest creative activities they can do with the child that the child will enjoy doing with them.  Discuss coordinating household rules and keeping a stepparent away from disciplining the child if these are problems. Discuss having the child see a therapist with the other parent to try to find what is causing the refusal to visit.

You are the adult in the room.

You wouldn’t let your child skip school because they refuse to go or stay out all night partying or drive your car underage without a license. Refusing to visit the other parent is not a choice the child gets to make. By the same token, your role as a parent is to protect your child. If you believe the child is refusing to visit because of physical or emotional abuse by the other parent, you must take legal action proactively to protect them. You cannot disobey a court order. Until modified, you must comply.



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