Empathy can actually make us bad accountability partners. When we ask a person for advice they put themselves in our shoes and tell us what they would do if they were us. And if that person is a friend, colleague or a family member, the advice they give is tainted by their relationship to us and how the outcome will affect them. That is why having a group of women who support you but aren’t close to you is vital to meeting your goals. But how to find such a group of women?
This the challenge Tiffany Dufu set out to solve when she founded The Cru in 2018 (this reporter has been a member since November 2020). Dufu would often evangelize to other women the importance of having a crew of women who hold you accountable from outside of your life. But she overlooked one aspect of forming these groups: the effort in putting it together.
“After I told a working mother of three why she needed a crew, she looked at me bewildered and said that it was too much work. She would have to attend cocktails and networking events, get business cards, then arrange to meet up afterwards, convince them to be in her crew,” said Dufu. “She said she got the importance in theory but didn’t have the energy to take on more work.”
If that sounds stressful, imagine creating a group like this under lock-down.
Tiffany Dufu (right) hugs a Cru member in a pre-pandemic meeting. Since Covid, the Cru has switched … [+]
Photo by Jenny Gonzalez
So Dufu created The Cru, a peer coaching service for women looking to accelerate their professional and personal growth with monthly meetings over zoom. Women set between 1-5 intentions, or goals, that break down into smaller steps and are held accountable for.
The key is that The Cru puts women in circles of up to 8 that are diverse across industry, family configuration and race and ethnicity. “Having women from different industries is vital especially if you want to branch out and already there are many networking associations that are industry specific.”
“Friendships do develop but this isn’t about creating friends, but people who will hold you accountable,” said Dufu. Since the other women are strangers, they care about you but are not invested in you the same way others in your personal circle might be. For example, if you are thinking about moving for a better job, your family or friends might encourage you not to since it would disrupt their lives.
How do you know if an intention is a good one? Ask yourself these four questions:
- How will I know when it is achieved? Is it measurable?
- Do I have access to the decision makers needed to realize this intention?
- What scares me about this intention? Is it getting me out of my comfort zone?
- Does this intention match with my larger life mission?
Cru members are also asked to set intentions that can be met within 12 months, as that is the length of a Cru membership, though it can be renewed. “About half of intentions are career related, many are related to wellness, financial health, and relationships. Some people want to strengthen relationships or find love, others want to get a divorce and need to be held accountable for starting the paperwork,” said Dufu.
The other aspect of these meetings, which happen once a month on zoom, is that all members receive instructions on how to coach each other by not being empathetic, rather by helping them reach their own decisions. It is based on inquiry, not advice (though Cru members can share resources). Sample questions include:
- What have you tried before?
- What would happen if you tried it?
- Tell me what the next step would be?
- Who would you need to contact to accomplish this goal?
- How can we hold you accountable?
In addition to monthly meetings, the Cru hosts virtual speakers and has industry specific cohorts, or groups that focus on one activity, like writing, leadership, HR and the newest one about being single in your 30s. “You also have access to the database of current and past Cru members, so it is a great way to expand your network beyond your industry and location,” said Dufu.
Tiffany Dufu speaking to a Cru meting.
Courtosy of the Cru
The Cru is focused on mid-level career women and strives to be as affordable as a gym membership at $499 per year. The average age of women who join are in their mid-30s and there are currently just under 1000 members across the nation.
While Covid has made so many of us feel isolated, it has also been a time for us to reflect on our goals and what is really important. The Cru shifted from being geography based to virtual once the pandemic started, and it has grown 400 percent. “We are no longer confined by geography when putting together Crus, and there is no logistical issue in finding space to meet or commute for our members,” said Dufu. “Moms don’t have to find a babysitter and I have seen moms nurse during meetings. Now more women can build their networks and achieve their goals and we plan on quadrupling our memberships in three years.”
