Blended But Not Broken: Step-Families

Thirteen hundred new blended families are formed every day in the US, and 75% say they are not getting resources to navigate their new domestic situation. This lack of resources is due to many people thinking that they will never find themselves as part of a blended family. 

Naja Hall, founder of VIPStepmom and Blended and Black, coaching services for blended families, and step-mom to three, is no exception. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who lists step-motherhood on her list of personal goals however those of us that have found ourselves earning the title have ultimately learned to make the best of it,” said Hall. “A woman becomes a stepmom because the original family came apart. Our roles are born out of loss. But what was once broken can be rebuilt and made new and a good stepmom is a reminder of that. Even President Joe Biden credits his second Wife, 1st Lady, Dr. Jill Biden for putting his family back together and making it whole again.”

Hall advises to only enter a relationship with a parent if they are truly the best partner you have ever been with. Talking about meeting a man who was a father of three, “He was so exceptional that when the typical step-family problems began, I made the decision to power through it because he’d proven that he was worth it,” said Hall.

Unfortunately the statistics for second marriages report a 74% failure rate and this is directly related to the added stress of blended family issues. A Boston University psychologist researcher reported that of the career women who earned over $100.000 and had married men with children over 75% said that, “if they had do it again they would NOT marry a man with children.” 

Forming a step family is not a decision to be taken lightly because it takes the average family five to seven years to fully blend. In the introductory phase, according to Hall, many step parents will find success in focusing on establishing a friendly rapport with the stepchild. “I always advise my client to act as if they are a cool Auntie or Uncle figure, not too authoritative but not too familiar,” said Hall. 

While blending is never easy, there are four major obstacles that Hall advises step-moms to watch out for:

The toxic or a high conflict ex.

It is likely that this person may be battling some sort of personality disorder or an unchecked mental illness. It is also plausible that they are just a really mean individual who cannot bear to lose control. Learning to set boundaries and to de-escalate conflict is key. 

A child that is caught in a loyalty bind.

When kids are caught in loyalty binds, they feel apprehension or fear with a parent. One of the best ways a stepparent can handle this scenario is to give the child room and opportunity to get to know you at their own pace.

A partner that cannot set boundaries.

As a stepparent, you’re coming into a ready-made family. Even if they are broken and dysfunctional, this family has its own culture and a step-mom has to respect it. 

You.

One of the key causes of blended family tension discord is the individuals in the family: YOU. When a family dynamic undergoes the devastation of separation, divorce, or death, members may struggle with redefining their new normal and coming to terms with the fact that things will not operate as they did in the past. Bringing your pain, anger and unresolved trauma is like adding gasoline to the fire. It is always best to begin within and develop a sense of self-awareness if blended family peace is the your goal.

While there are many things families can do to create a loving blended home, institutions shouldn’t be left off the hook. “The default setting for society’s definition of family is still centered around white hetero-normality, when in reality that is merely a singular one type of family. Because the entire system was built on the notion that a family consists of means a man, a woman, and some kids, anything that deviates from this antiquated unrealistic standard is made to feel like an outcast.” 

Hall is an advocate for changing divorce laws so that upon separation, each parent would automatically be awarded joint custody and equal parenting time. This would reduce conflict and allow children to still receive love and nurture from both parents. using children as bargaining chips.  In her eyes, the courts are ripe for disruption and should institute many of the outlooks and programs that corporations are using to address diversity and inclusion. 

“My hope is that our most lucrative systems, such as government, educational , healthcare systems are reconstructed with the understanding that family, in all its various forms, is the most important first system that an individual people experiences. It is critical to support the family because it is the springboard that will create dynamic and productive human beings,” said Hall. “Blended families are not going anywhere. We’ve been here since the beginning of time, and we’re here to stay.”