Care in the Time of COVID: 3 Critical Boundaries

In my Afternoon Tea series, I share nuggets of wisdom passed down from my late mother, and the fierce women from both my maternal and paternal lines of ancestry. They are the source of all the work I do with women around the world, and I’m delighted and honored to share the things they taught me.

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As we approach the second year of Pandemic Living, it’s easy to observe how human structures (and humans) are showing signs of wear and tear. And while there is the expected weariness one has with social distancing and mask-wearing, we have the added duress of sweeping social and political issues. From street protests in Poland to decry their abortion ban to attempted government coups in Washington, DC — and hey, a Wall Street takeover by some folks on Reddit — it can seem the world is unraveling. People have had lots of time to think, and think about what’s not working, so it’s only natural these blips of unrest are surfacing. Spoiler: There will be more.

So how does a person navigate this, especially if she is trying to build out something that leaves the world better than she found it? It can feel very challenging to have high-minded goals right now, when we’re not even sure what next week will look like. More importantly, if we don’t take care of ourselves as a primary point of focus, we can effect little change on the outside world. This month we’ll be looking at the concept of care as it relates to ourselves, our projects, and our communities, so let’s start with us. With you.

When it comes to forging ahead in the face of chaos, there are two women I look to as a source of strength and inspiration: My Scottish mother and grandmother.

In World War II, my grandmother welded bombs for the Royal Air Force. She was a real-life Rosie the Riveter who rose every morning, put on coveralls, and went off to the factory. At night, during the bomb raids, she would take her 9 children outside to sleep in case the bombs hit their house by mistake. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been to the Scottish Highlands, but I’ll just say it’s not a place where you’d want to sleep outside without a campfire.

These women were made of iron. When there was something to be done, they got on with it. Stiff upper lip and all that. I watched my mother come through war, burying a son, losing her husband at 59, and going on to live with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She found a way through.

For us, with vaccines just rolling out, and in limited supply, it looks like there are still some hard yards ahead of us.

So what does the modern version of a stiff upper lip look like?

For starters, I think it has a bit more self-compassion. It’s not as much about toughing it out as it is making peace with the present; to recognize that we are where we are, it’s going to be a while yet, and we must cope or perish. After acknowledging the facts in front of us, what’s going to make the real difference to ensure our well-being?

In a word: Boundaries.

Firm ones. With so little control over the world outside, boundaries are our last line of personal defense and mental wellness. When they are firmly in place, we have some room to breathe without being at the effect of the world outside. When it comes to the world of work, there are 3 I swear by, because we train the world how to work with us, so we may as well train it well.

Here are my top 3 boundaries for work:

20-Minute Meetings. I set all call times to 20 minutes unless there is a specific reason to go longer, and let people know I have a hard stop. This requires them (and me!) to show up prepared, knowing what they need to ask/tell. As we all know, too many people waste too much time in too many meetings.

No Zoom unless absolutely necessary. And it’s rarely necessary. Just because we’re not in person doesn’t mean we need a Zoom meeting — if, in regular times, it would have been a phone call, it stays a phone call. Exception: If I’m just getting to know someone, and would have taken a coffee meeting with them, I do enjoy using Zoom, because it’s nice to make that type of connection on occasion. (Did I mention how rarely I make room for coffee meetings?) I also try to put all my zoom calls on the same day so I can make myself presentable and adult-like and get maximum output for that effort (Hint: I did this before COVID too).

Blocked-out time is sacred. And I mean zero exceptions unless someone is actually in peril and I need to step in. We often create “me time” and then let everyone else run rough-shod over it, from spouses to children to bosses to clients. Don’t do that. Ever. And if people schedule time over your blocked out calendar? DECLINE. Your personal time is precious.

For some further information about boundaries, here are some great resources I discovered on the Trust & Thrive podcast:

Alanna Gardner, MFT
“Establishing a boundary is not for the other people we interact with; it’s for ourselves. The more in touch we are with ourselves, the [better] we can then communicate our needs to other people.” You can hear more about her thoughts on boundaries on the Trust & Thrive podcast Episode 92.

Amanda E White, Licensed Therapist
Amanda teaches boundaries, self-care and recovery. She reviews Six Types of Boundaries on the Trust & Thrive podcast Episode 108.

Lastly, regarding my comment above, if you haven’t blocked out time for yourself in any real way, we need to have a much bigger conversation about that. That’s next week. For now, give the 3 boundaries above a try this week, and start to exercise your muscles of sovereignty.

With love from NYC,

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Photo: Jose Aragones

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