It’s interesting how easy it is to categorize a person to put them in a box, even in relationships that we have had for years.
I see it with my intimate relationships.
It’s easy to label a child the sensitive one,
or a Virgo, or to assume that our long-time friend believes in something because that’s what he or she believed last year.
When people close to us shift and change…
Suddenly loving foods they once hated, or dressing in a new way or having an entirely new thought system…
It can be uncomfortable and scary to see and feel this change.
We need to make room for the changes our friends and family will face in their lives.
We need to make room for our own changes and growth.
I think it comes down to curiosity—
Being curious about others,
Knowing that we don’t have the answer.
When we think we know something, this can lead to judgement.
Curiosity leads to a more expansive relationship.
I think it’s hard to do this at times,
especially with people we love so deeply.
Thinking we know completely how someone is
is comforting.
It makes us feel safe.
In an unsafe world, I think we sometimes grasp at anything as a way to feel secure.
Making room for curiosity takes a huge leap of faith.
If I make room for the new parts of this person and of myself, maybe we won’t be friends anymore—maybe we won’t stay close.
This is the part that feels so scary and unsafe.
I especially see this with my children and even mothers of grown children.
We can easily think of our children when they were little, fondly remembering how they were.
Somehow, in some ways, we hope that holding onto those memories will keep that relationship alive, keep them as our little kids. But the truth is that’s just a memory, and while it’s part of the relationship, things are different now.
When we constantly relate to a person as we think they are or as we think they were,
this keeps us from seeing the human standing before us in this very moment.
I strive to always make room for what is new, and for the shifting of person.
I remember feeling deeply empowered when I connected to the idea that I can be new at any moment. I also know the challenge that came from being with others who wanted me to be as I was before, or how they thought I was, and this feeling made me want to run for the hills.
No one wants to hear, “I liked you better before.”
No one can be shamed into feeling differently than they truly feel in any moment.
Personal freedom can and must live in lifelong friendships, as well as in marriages and family relationships.
I think this personal freedom is rooted in curiosity + wonderment, rather than fear and judgement.
Can I let go of all I think I know about you?
Can I see you as you are, standing before me?
Can I drop all the labels that are thrust upon you and bravely hold space for curiosity?
Can we make room for mistakes and thinking differently and fall in love over and over again?
It’s not easy.
We get triggered by our closest people.
Those triggers are there to heal where the hurt came from.
In a world that often praises us for staying in a box, it is scary to step outside of it, or to watch others step outside of it.
I envision a life of being in community with people who want each person in the group to be fully seen, and loved, and accepted.
When the space is held for each of us to grow authentically, we are safe.
It feels good to be around people who are curious about you.
I thank Natalie for teaching me this.
I had no idea how potent and transformative this could be until I began working with her.
Try it—
Next time you want to assume that someone is a certain way,
Get curious.
Ask questions.
And watch a new relationship blossom before your eyes.
Xxxx
Carrie-Anne
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