How To Listen To Your Feelings As Messengers

By Sarah Jeanne Browne—

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” ~ Rumi

Your pain matters.

Your story matters.

What you have been through matters.

You may think your experiences aren’t bad enough to deserve compassion. You may constantly compare your struggle to others’. You may think feeling bad is a weakness of willpower. You may feel helpless and hopeless when you have negative feelings, but you can’t make yourself immune to pain. Trying not to feel isn’t possible. You can’t just go on autopilot with no risk taking. You have to actually live. 

Feelings aren’t inherently bad though. A feeling is like a messenger. You have to pay attention to what it’s telling you. Feeling doesn’t mean failure. Negative feelings specifically tell you what is wrong. Negative thought patterns come from unhealthy coping mechanisms, so it’s not just enough to feel your feelings. You have to know how to engage with them too. Be present with your pain.

Can you forgive yourself for feeling? Can you show yourself compassion? Can you hold space not just for others in hard times but for yourself?

We often feel shame for feeling like something is wrong with us. We think, “If I’m not happy, that means something is wrong with me.” The truth is you are not broken. You are human. That shame comes from a human place. We have shame stories that tell us that we don’t meet others’ expectations of us, and for that, we feel we are inadequate. We all want to feel like we are enough. We want to put on that smiling face and mean it. We want to feel things that are good all the time. No one wants to feel bad.

So, what do you do when you feel bad?

Sit with your feelings.

When you avoid your feelings, you fall apart more. You downplay and minimize the pain. You distract yourself from it. You overwork so you won’t be bothered by it. You repress it. You berate yourself for feeling. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

It’s uncomfortable sometimes to just sit with your feelings, but when you do, you start to unravel the chaos within and find comfort instead.

There may be things you are blaming yourself for when you feel bad. I want you to repeat a few times, “It’s not my fault.” Just like how Robin Williams does it in Good Will Hunting where he says it’s not your fault over and over again in a therapist role. You are not the bad things or traumas that have happened to you. It’s not your fault. 

Mindfulness helps push your emotional muscles to tolerate your feelings. Find stillness and surrender. The ultimate goal of healing is self-love. Foster self-love as you center.

Using mindful self-compassion, transmute negative emotion into love, into purpose. Use feelings as guidance. Listen to them. What are they telling you? When you truly tune in, things will start to turn around. That’s how you heal. Befriend yourself and simply BE with your feelings. Then, you will know what you need to do.

Messages Your Feelings May Be Sending

“You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other effects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.” ~Brené Brown

We all know avoidance doesn’t work. In fact, it can make things worse. If you are overwhelmed from feeling too much, and you have extended beyond your “window of tolerance” for it, a great step is in grounding or focusing on the senses. You can also do a containment exercise where you imagine any unwanted thoughts and feelings going into a container of your choice. Then you decide what you do with that container- burn it, bury it, seal it away, destroy it, throw it into the ocean, make it disappear. Whatever you decide to do, know that it’s okay to seek relief. A mental health professional can take you further into these coping methods. Asking for help takes bravery. Find a supportive and safe space to share your feelings. Express, don’t repress. Vulnerability is a Power.

But when you are ready and willing, you can listen to messages your feelings may be sending. Thank your feelings. They are trying to protect you along the difficult road of life. When you see their value, you will find use for them. 

There are parts of yourself that need healing, that your pain is pointing to. 

Feel to heal. When you know what you’re feeling, or “name it to tame it,” you gain greater insight into who you are. Try a feelings wheel to get you started. If you don’t have the words for what you are feeling, know that is okay too. Sometimes, just being with and not trying to explain it is helpful. Let it exist. 

Some backdraft may occur from opening the heart even when you are self compassionate, such as trauma. Kristen Neff says to ask yourself “what do I need to feel safe right now?”  

Show yourself kindness. You deserve it.

Your feelings may have a message for you. They could be of the following:

• An unmet need
• An unhealthy situation
• Something no longer fulfilling or working for you
• Toxic or abusive relationship
• Feeling unheard
• Needing change
• Resistance of reality
• Repression
• Trauma or PTSD
• Feeling powerless
• White knuckling which is the wrong way
• Lack of purpose or direction
• Loneliness
• Loss of interest in current agenda
• People-pleasing
• Codependence
• Distress
• Stress and need of balance
• Fear
• Attempting to control too much
• Resentment or lack of closure
• Violation of boundaries
• Overwhelm
• Making wrong choices
• Inner critic being too hard on yourself
• Wrong priorities
• Simply being unhappy where you are
• A problem that needs solved

The list goes on. Know that feelings like joy and happiness are messengers too, telling you what is going right in your life. Remember the good when you feel down. When you can identify the source of negative feelings or frustrations, you can begin to undo its damage and deal with it in more healthy ways. Your coping methods can come into play.

Coping methods can look like anything. They can be writing in a journal, listening to music or some form of escapism or talking about your feelings. But it also is about your attitude. You can do things you love, reward yourself, look to the little things that make you smile, create a gratitude list, reframe positively for a better perspective, practice cognitive behavior therapy with a professional, help another, try something new, start a new hobby, make an important change or anything where you invest in yourself. 

When you acknowledge a feeling, you take away its power over you. That’s because feelings aren’t facts. They only are symptoms of a struggle, they are not who you are. You find relief from them in sitting with them that simply being positive or “toxic positivity” does not always provide you. That’s because you are no longer running from reality. If you are hurting or grieving or just angry at life, know that it’s okay not to have a solution. You don’t need to solve everything at once.

Life is full of suffering, but it’s also full of surprises. You never know what may happen next. Be curious instead of worrisome. Find solace in knowing some uncertainty is a good thing.

When you are ready to face your feelings, note their intensity on a scale of 1 to 10. How long have you been feeling this way? What triggers them? What do they may you think of? Where do they come from? What are they trying to say? Are there any patterns here? Is there any evidence for why you should be feeling this way?

Note also if a feeling becomes depression or anxiety. That’s when it’s time to seek help.

Often the solution comes just from radical acceptance. When you accept yourself and life as it is, you can do something about it. You can make the changes you need to make. You can salvage the ending to your story and make meaning out of the mess. You can find purpose by helping others through similar problems.

Anger, sadness, fear, loss, hurt…these things aren’t just going to go away because you want them to. They may have weight but they do not define you. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you are sadness itself. It just means you are having a hard moment. Life is hard. No amount of self help gurus, books, meditations, therapy sessions or anything else will ever take that fact away. But it’s what you do with this life that matters. Are you going to stop moving because of a negative feeling? Fight, flight or freeze are some ways we all deal with difficult situations. But if you find yourself navigating negative feelings, the best thing to do is focus on your breath. Let it achor you. Try some deep breathing. This will calm your nervous system. You’ll widen your window of tolerance over time. There’s no rush. You won’t always get it perfectly. Focus on the progress instead.

The answers will come in time. Healing isn’t overnight. It’s a lifelong struggle. But you can do this. You can get up again. Easy does it. One step at a time. Breathe. You are in control. Let your feelings come and go, as you surrender and become the observer in a state of mindfulness. There’s no right way or one way to do this. Do what works best for you.

Just listen.

Sarah Jeanne Browne is a speaker, writer and activist who has been published on Lifehack, Tiny Buddha, Thrive Global and more. See @sarahjbrowne.