In The Bedroom Or The Boardroom – These Tips From A Sex Expert Will Help You Communicate Better

Like politics these days, sex is one of those topics that people just aren’t entirely comfortable talking about.

This is certainly not the case for Emily Morse, host of the popular ‘Sex with Emily’ podcast, with whom I had the pleasure of speaking at the Skin, Sex and Sleep event in the Hamptons last month. The event, sponsored by Women’s Health and the women’s health experts at Womaness, taught us a great deal about how best to communicate in the bedroom…and how to take those lessons straight to the boardroom.

“We need to make topics that tend to be shrouded in mystery more accessible,” says Morse. “After all these years, the cornerstone of what I talk about is communication.”

Here are some hot tips for becoming better communicators both in the bedroom and in the boardroom:

Avoid the “HALT”. Finding just the right time to have an important conversation can have a major impact on the outcome. Make sure you, and the person with whom you’re speaking, are not what Morse describes as “HALT” – hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Feeling any of these could distract from your intended goal and negatively affect the progression of the discussion.

Stay curious. It’s important to start each conversation light and curious. You don’t want the person with whom you’re speaking to immediately assume a defensive position. “I feel underpaid and want a raise” may be better rephrased as “I’m curious if you’re happy with my performance at work?”

Do it in the car. Choose a location to have your discussion that is neutral, non-threatening and conducive to a pleasant exchange. If it’s a truly sensitive topic, consider a discussion while taking a walk or driving in a car so you can reduce anxiety by avoiding direct eye contact.

Don’t go all the way. Perhaps you want a raise or a promotion. While over time that may be a reasonable goal, it may need to be more of a process. Perhaps what you actually want to get out of your initial discussion is just to establish an open line of communication. Or to get an acknowledgement from your boss that you are valued. It’s important to approach each conversation with realistic goals, knowing that conversations, like relationships, can be ongoing, not “one and done” situations.

Try a little role play. We often approach difficult conversations by assuming we are right and trying to convince the other person they are wrong. But approaching a conversation with this attitude can be counterproductive as it often leads to confrontation. Morse suggests we all do a little self-reflection and think about the situation from the other person’s vantage point. By doing so, you often find a compromise in which both sides can win.

Take turns. Don’t approach your conversation as if it’s a presentation with no Q&A. It should be a discussion in which both sides talk and both sides listen. After you’ve set forth why you initiated the chat and what you hope to accomplish, take a step back and let the other person respond. Having a two-way communication shows that you are open to hearing their point of view and finding a mutually acceptable, win/win compromise.

Wear your emotions on your sleeve. When having a discussion that may seem awkward or uncomfortable, it’s ok to let the other person know how you feel. We connect with others based on shared feelings and experiences. Expressing that you might be nervous or feel uncomfortable shows you are real and will help the conversation flow in a more genuine way.

Make a cheat sheet. Conversations can get heated, and distractions can cause you to get off track. Make sure you cover all of your salient points by making notes. They can be on paper, on your screen or in your head. But start each conversation with a map of what you want to cover and what you expect to accomplish.

Get comfortable with talking dirty. Let’s face it – there are just certain words that we feel uncomfortable saying at work. Raise, promotion, work-from-home, vacation, part-time, children – all of these things can make us feel anxious in the workplace. It’s time to change that, says Morse. And the way to do it? Repetition. Normalize the words that don’t feel normal by speaking them aloud. She named her podcast intentionally in order to take the taboo out of the word sex. The same can be done at work.

Good communication is the foundation of just about everything – intimacy, rewarding relationships, happy kids, raises and promotions. “We all face difficult conversations, says Morse. “But they don’t have to be.” If you approach it correctly, talking about sex or about a raise should be like planning your summer vacation or deciding what to have for dinner.