Even after all these years writing, and making a living from my writing, a little bit more than a living if we’re honest, sometimes I find myself wonder who would even listen to me, whether I have anything to say, and what is even the point.
I start to write something and find myself pulling back within moments because meh –
it feels stupid
repetitive
stale
whatever
I look all around as though maybe the muse is just hiding from me up in the corner of the ceiling or something, and if I can CATCH her then she will have to come out, and deliver creative wonder to pour through me, but nope – !
Doesn’t happen.
And so I have to sit there and decide –
do I show up ANYWAY? Do I put myself in that void choosing to trust that when I do magic will come through, as it invariably does?
Or do I give in to NOT doing that, to backing away slowly from the idea of creating that day, tail between my legs, because it is just an ANNOYING feeling to not already be, well, feeling it, and I don’t WANNA!
As an artist, a writer, a messenger, I just want to feel IN it, and fired up with my own fire, and magnetised by own truth, and I want to feel the glorious pouring forth of it all! I want to be taken over, whisked away, used as a vessel, and then fed tacos and told I am pretty.
It’s not a lot to ask!
What I DON’T especially want, is to have to face into the nothingness of not feeling it, not knowing it, not being connected to the purpose or point of it, and wondering if I should even bother at all. What I DON’T especially want, most of the time, is to feel as though it is in any way required of me to throw my shoulders back and do it ANYWAY, when I feel this way. I don’t wanna wanna wanna go through the annoying bit where I don’t feel it yet, trusting and waiting til I do!
So,
maybe I turn away.
I don’t let any sort of message come out to play!
I decide that today –
we don’t show up that way.
We do a different sort of work. A get shit done sort of work. A let’s just get on with it sort of work. And we know that the message will come back at SOME point; it has to!
And maybe that’s okay…
But yet.
On the other days. When I turn IN towards what’s always in me whether or not I sense it there, am connected to it there, have a direct revelation in that moment of it being there, when I turn in ANYWAY, rather than sigh and turn away,
when I just start.
With who I am, and what I have, and what NOTHINGNESS is coming through me in that moment.
And I decide –
I simply will not do the things until I first do this thing.
Well,
hmmm!
A not at all astonishing series of events tends to occur.
Things that I didn’t know I had to say come through me.
The words may start slowly at first, and then they spill out.
And soon enough,
I lose myself in the transmission,
and ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN.
Had I not learned to be in this dance, to understand this and even to WELCOME the void,
I would never have built this business,
my body of work,
or this life.
The thing with the magic that’s in you is,
it will show up for you when you show up for it.
The thing about THAT is,
maybe it won’t do so always.
And you will have to continue your day with the heavy weight of something inside of you that NEEDED to be unleashed and yet wouldn’t. The grumpiness that can only come from being an artist with her art contained!
The thing with being this person anyway is,
you don’t actually have a choice.
You are her. She is you. That’s how it is. The End.
So IN the end …
why even are we having a conversation?
The art won’t come out to play today?
You show up for her anyway.
And on the days when it’s the most magical and wondrous of all, and you are whirling and twirling on the very beat of life itself, you remind yourself –
I’d never have this day if I hadn’t have been willing to fall eternally into all the ones where it felt and looked like an absolute snowstorm of pointlessness.
IN the end,
it’s very black and white and very very simple:
You either say yes to what’s inside of you regardless of whether or not it is doing what you want,
feeling like a crazy person so much of the time, and just wanting some more CONSISTENCY,
or you live a life of working your butt off towards success via avoidance of the soul.
Really, all we’re talking is this –
which kind of crazy you wanna choose?
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat x
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